


Big Ass Klaus

by Phandancee74



Category: The Originals (TV), The Vampire Diaries (TV)
Genre: Brotherly Love, Butts, Crack, Curses, F/M, Pranks and Practical Jokes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-20
Updated: 2021-02-20
Packaged: 2021-03-16 05:06:50
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,208
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29570766
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Phandancee74/pseuds/Phandancee74
Summary: It took Klaus a thousand years to break the hybrid curse and free his wolf side. But there's another curse on him, that he never knew about . . .
Relationships: Caroline Forbes/Klaus Mikaelson, Elijah Mikaelson & Kol Mikaelson, Klaus Mikaelson & Kol Mikaelson
Comments: 1
Kudos: 21





	Big Ass Klaus

Kol Mikaelson had watched his brother’s ass carefully over the centuries. Not for any dirty weird incest reason, but for intel! Also maybe because it was the funniest spell he’d ever created and the one he was most proud of. Sitting in their living room with another brother, Elijah, Kol kept making pointed glances at their half brother’s enormous behind.

“Pissed off some witches again then have you?” Kol asked gleefully.

“How do you always know?” Klaus growled, the question was an old one and one Kol refused to answer.

“Kol’s sources are quite accurate.” Elijah confirmed, ignoring Kol as per usual. It was the only way to keep his sanity some days. 

“My sources are numerous, and ever-growing.” Kol replied, and almost broke into a fit of giggles as Elijah rolled his eyes.

“Elijah, why won’t you tell me?” Klaus demanded. “Over and over again you confirm his information, but neither of you will tell me anything!”

“Just leave them be.” Caroline Forbes came into the room and put her hand lightly on Klaus’ arm. “Let them have their little joke.”

“There’s nothing little about it!” Kol managed to get out before he fell over laughing. Caroline led Klaus out of the house, potentially saving Kol from another daggering.

“Why must you press this?” Elijah asked once they were out of earshot. “And what’s worse, why did you ever bring me into it?”

“Because I know you brother. You would never breathe a word of it, for fear of the repercussions, and it’s the best prank in the world, I had to share it. Sometimes,” Kol’s eyes twinkled maniacally “I think about telling Caroline!”

Elijah stood up from his favorite chair, where he’d just been trying to read a book for heaven’s sake. “You will not do that! Have you not seen how happy she makes him? Bloodshed and violence in New Orleans has dropped at least by half since she arrived and twice that in this house alone.”

Kol smirked. “So you agree, she’d leave him if she saw his . . . baggage. Shouldn’t true love conquer all?”

“I’m less worried about the possibility of Ms. Forbes leaving Niklaus and more worried how he would respond to her laughter.”

“He can be a bit tetchy.” 

Elijah refused to dignify that understatement with a response and Kol went back to his rooms to amuse himself by remembering the wonderful work his spell had done over the years. 

_Before the Mikaelson family was turned, Kol was on his way to becoming a phenomenal witch, in his own mischievous way. He’d created many a spell to be used to torture his siblings and others in their village but none was as good as his butt enlargement spell. It worked like this, the caster could curse a person to have a larger and larger butt that no one but the caster themselves could see unless the second person were specifically told of its existence. Kol had used it on various village elders, and Finn, and told Rebekah about it._

_Rebekah loved it and what's more she wanted to contribute! They modified Kol’s original spell so that any witch who knew about the spell could add to the curse. Rebekah and Kol soon took turns cursing Finn’s butt larger and larger at dinner, fighting back tears and winking at each other. It was easy enough to hide their scheme as it only took a thought to augment the curse after the initial enchantment. By the time the family were turned into vampires a few years later Finn’s butt was the size of their tent. Of course after they were turned, the enchantment broke with Kol’s death and Kol could no longer do magic. It would be a hundred years before he thought back on the spell, one night not long after Finn was daggered and Kol realized he too might be put down temporarily._

_What a controlling ass Klaus is, he’d thought to himself. A giant, huge, tremendously hideous ass! Then his mind had flown back to less bloody times and then, filled with sudden purpose, Kol sprinted off to find the first trustworthy witch he could._

_Klaus’ ass had remained mostly the right size for the first decade. Kol’s initial witch friend had cast the enchantment at his request, and told him when she’d done it so Kol could see it too. She had few dealings with Kol’s brother, and very little reason to hate him, and only cursed him once more to prove it truly worked. She warned Kol that she couldn’t keep the enchantment up if she died, so he eventually found another witch to cast it, again one who wouldn’t blab to everyone and get their coven killed over a joke._

_Year by year, slaughter by slaughter, Niklaus Mikaelson made himself the enemy of many witches and word eventually spread that there was a small tiny secret way to get back at him, if you wanted to keep your life and ruin his dignity, even unknowingly. Curse his ass. Literally._

_Kol was delighted watching his brother’s butt balloon. Sometimes it shrunk quite suddenly and Kol would know that Klaus had been on a rampage and few witches were left in their area. Sometimes when Elijah was in charge and working diplomatically with supernaturals in an area Klaus’ butt would grow steadily as all Elijah’s hard work was eroded by Klaus refusing to make deals instead of demands._

_On one such occasion, as Elijah lamented the flexibility, restraint, and tactics of his hot headed sibling, he spoke a little too passionately on the subject to Kol. Kol had grinned rather sinisterly._

_“Well, brother. I don’t think Klaus is entirely in the wrong here. Sometimes everyone really is against him!”_

_“What do you mean?” Elijah asked immediately._

_“Let’s find one of my trusted witchy contacts, I hear there is a plot afoot.”_

_Elijah agreed immediately and they headed to a local coven where Kol stepped into a spelled silent room to speak with one of his current groupies. The woman came out a few minutes later and called Elijah into the room._

_“What is this plot? Maybe I can protect some of your people if you tell me now.”_

_The woman looked at Kol who nodded once. “There is a curse placed on your brother.”_

_“Someone has cursed Niklaus?” Perhaps that was why he was behaving even worse than usual. Elijah had attributed it to Katerina’s escape._

_“Yes. Klaus Mikaelson, the world’s biggest ass, has been cursed with the world’s biggest ass. I myself have cursed him thrice.” The woman spoke seriously at first and then started glancing at Kol every other word at the end._

_Elijah breathed deeply. “Really, Kol? You brought me all the way out here for this? I’d rather deal with Klaus’ behaviour than this nonsense.”_

_With that Elijah stormed off and Kol and his witch friend grabbed onto each other and started laughing. They stayed in the room, chatting and laughing, for about an hour before Elijah returned a different man._

_“Why can’t he see it?” Elijah demanded, his eyes were red as if he’d been scrubbing at them trying to get a vision out of his head._

_“A witch who has cast the curse has to reveal it directly.” Kol told him, with a big grin._

_“So who can see it?”_

_“Probably about a hundred witches across Europe and the colonies.” The woman replied._

_“It grew while I was standing there.” Elijah admitted softly, trying not to picture it. “Why did it grow?”_

_“I cursed him another two times while you were gone, Kol thought a demonstration was in order.”_

_Elijah grabbed Kol and dragged him back to their temporary home. “Kol, this is infantile and needs to stop. How long has this been going on?”_

_“Four hundred years, give or take.”_

_“Tell me the counterspell.”_

_“I never bothered to make one.” Kol replied gleefully as Elijah froze. “But I’m so happy I got the chance to share this with you, brother. I know you won’t look into this further, you value our lives too much to risk the wrath of countless covens if the witches' curse were traced back to them by Klaus.”_

_Elijah sighed. “I suppose our brother is an insufferable ass sometimes. But I cannot believe you cursed me with this knowledge too. Do any of our siblings know?”_

_“Rebekah knew when I did it to Finn as a child, but I haven’t told her now. She likes Klaus too much most of the time and the rest of the time she’d tell everyone.”_

_“Fine. I suppose I can use this as a barometer of the general mood of the witches.” Elijah tried to look on the bright side._

_“A brilliant idea!” Kol cackled and Elijah realized he must have inspired some new horror._

Kol was pulled from his reminiscing by a knock on his door. 

“Come in!” He was in too good a mood and still had more mischief left in him today. 

Caroline came through the door and sat on his bed. “You’re an ass, Kol.”

Kol shook his head at her words. “Not I, sister dear! That would be Nik!”

Caroline rolled her eyes. “Yeah, I know. His ass is as big as his car right now, I already told him off for how he dealt with Vincent and now I’m telling you off.”

Kol looked at her in shock. “You know?”

Caroline gave him a look reserved for those who underestimated her, the version of the look that didn’t precede violence. “Yes. Bonnie Bennett is my best friend. You taught her that spell ages ago when you were dead. She in turn told me about it as soon as she found out I’d hooked up with Klaus one time in Mystic Falls. Stupid Bonnie.” She grumbled the last bit.

Kol felt his appreciation for Bonnie Bennett grow and also his confusion that Caroline knew and was acting like this. “How are you with my brother if you can see all of the junk in his trunk?”

“I found a way to temporarily break the illusion.” Caroline said, proud of herself. “It took me a while but I finally realized it couldn’t possibly be physically real, after all Klaus does still fit through doorways tough as it is to imagine at times, meaning I just had to convince my eyes and my brain it wasn’t real.”

Kol sighed. “I suppose you can go ahead and tell Elijah then, ruin all my fun.”

Caroline choked. “You told Elijah? Oh my god! Poor Elijah.” She thought back on all of the times Elijah had seemed particularly upset or stood very far away from Klaus after a particularly brutal fight. Still, she wasn’t sure how to help him.

“So will you tell him?” Kol asked when she was quiet too long.

“For Elijah, the way to break the spell might be worse than the curse itself.” Caroline admitted.

“Do tell!” 

“Have you ever seen one of those drawings that really look like a 3D object?” Caroline hedged. “The only way to prove they are fake is to, is to . . . um-” she gestured with her hands as if reaching out.

“Is to touch them!” Kol finished for her. “So you’re saying anytime you want to forget what an ass my brother is, you just grab his ass?”

Caroline nodded, trying not to blush. 

“And you don’t think Elijah would be willing to utilize the same strategy?” Kol continued, watching as Caroline tried to keep it together. “Why not? I can picture him in a meeting, sneaking up behind Klaus and giving him a ‘good job champ’.”

Caroline couldn’t take it and grabbed her stomach as she fell backwards onto the bed laughing. Both the idea of Elijah slapping Klaus’ ass and Kol’s choice of words were the funniest things she’d ever heard. Kol joined her and their hysterics brought one of his brothers in question into the room.

“What is amusing you two so?” Elijah asked.

“She knows! She already knows!” Kol told him victoriously. “The best part is-” Caroline through a hand over Kol’s mouth. 

Elijah raised an eyebrow but assumed Caroline’s intervention was probably saving him from yet another headache about Kol’s favorite prank. He’d had a long five centuries.

“I suppose true love does conquer all then.” He said to Kol, once again glad that Caroline was in Klaus’ life. Her dedication to his brother, in spite of this curse, spoke volumes about her character.

Kol shrugged and then took a long look at Caroline who was conveniently silent, after a moment he theorized. “Eventually, perhaps. Though based on the timing of the rump reveal I’d say it might have been one of the reasons behind dear Caroline taking her sweet time ending her travels and moving in.”

Caroline blushed, trying to come up with a response but having no comeback to his correct assumption. When even Elijah started to smirk she stood up and shouted. “You ruined my sex life for two years Kol Mikaelson, and I will get my revenge!” Then she whooshed out of the room.

“Maybe we shouldn’t mention that part to Nik.” Kol said to Elijah who was finally full on laughing at his brothers.

**Author's Note:**

> I took the idea for the curse straight from an episode of Sabrina the Teenage Witch, and just modified it to add some secrecy because Klaus likes murder too much for standard practical jokes.


End file.
